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Setting Boundaries with Family Over the Holidays

The holiday season, while often a time of joy and connection, can also bring us a lot of stress. One of the most common sources of stress is navigating boundaries with family members. As the holidays arrive, so do gatherings, traditions, and expectations. You may find yourself struggling to maintain your personal space and mental wellbeing, especially if you have family members who tend to overstep, make demands, or bring unresolved issues to the table.

In this blog, we will explore what boundaries are, why they matter, common challenges with boundaries over the holidays, and how to set and maintain healthy boundaries during the holiday season. By protecting your mental health, you can approach this festive time with less stress and more enjoyment.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves in our relationships. They help individuals to define what is acceptable behaviour from others and what is unacceptable. Having clear boundaries helps you protect your emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing, and also allows you to foster healthier relationships.

When it comes to family, setting boundaries can feel more complicated due to the close nature of these relationships. You may feel guilty, fear conflict, or worry about disappointing others. However, by setting boundaries, you are not being selfish—you are prioritizing your mental health and wellbeing.

Why Boundaries are Important during the Holidays

  • Preventing burnout: The holidays can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Setting boundaries ensures you do not overextend yourself, or say yes to every event or gathering at the cost of your wellbeing;
  • Reducing conflict: Unresolved family issues can resurface during holiday gatherings. Establishing boundaries helps reduce the chances of conflict and protects you from being drawn into unnecessary tension; and,
  • Protecting personal time: The holiday season can be overwhelming with its fast pace and many obligations. Boundaries allow you to carve out personal time to rest and recharge.

Common Boundary Challenges During the Holidays

Before diving into how to set boundaries, it is helpful to recognize some common situations where boundaries may be needed. Here are a few examples:

  1. Over-scheduling: Family members may pressure you to attend every event, gathering, or party;
  2. Personal questions or judgments: During family gatherings, you may encounter intrusive questions or unsolicited advice about your life, career, relationships, or parenting;
  3. Pressure to continue traditions: Family members may insist on upholding long-standing traditions, even if they no longer align with your values or preferences;
  4. Criticism or conflict: Some family members may criticize your choices, parenting style, or lifestyle, leading to tension; and,
  5. Unwanted physical contact: Family members may pressure you to engage in hugging or other forms of physical affection.

How to Set Boundaries with Family Members

Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, especially when family dynamics are involved. However, with practice, it becomes easier to communicate your needs and establish limits. Here are a few steps to guide you through setting boundaries with family over the holidays:

1. Identify your Limits

Before engaging with family, take some time to reflect on what your boundaries are. Consider:

  • How much time and energy you have to dedicate to family events;
  • Which personal questions or topics of conversation make you uncomfortable;
  • Which family traditions or expectations you feel obligated to follow but no longer wish to engage in; and,
  • Whether you need to limit physical affection or personal space.

By identifying your boundaries ahead of time, you will be more prepared to communicate them clearly when the time comes.

2. Communicate Clearly and Kindly

When setting boundaries, clarity is key. Be direct in expressing your needs while remaining respectful. Here are some examples of boundary-setting statements you can use:

  • “I appreciate the invitation, but I need some time for myself this weekend and won’t be able to attend.”
  • “I would rather not discuss my career decisions right now. Let’s focus on enjoying the holidays together.”
  • “I understand that this tradition is important to you, but I would like to do things differently this year.”
  • “I prefer not to hug, but a handshake or wave works for me.”

It is important to be firm in your communication while staying kind and non-confrontational.

3. Be Prepared for Pushback

Not everyone will respond positively to your boundaries, especially if they are used to things being a certain way. Family members may try to guilt you into changing your mind or push back with comments like, “But we always do it this way,” or “You never had a problem with this before.”

In these situations, it is important to stay consistent. Remind yourself that setting boundaries is about protecting your own wellbeing, and not about pleasing others. You can acknowledge their feelings while maintaining your stance by saying something like, “I understand that this is different from what we usually do, but this is what I need right now.”

4. Set Boundaries around Time and Energy

You may be overwhelmed with the time and energy needed around the holiday season. It is important to be mindful of how you spend your time and energy. If you are feeling exhausted or stressed, give yourself permission to say no to certain events or requests.

For example, if attending multiple family gatherings in one day feels too overwhelming, communicate your availability clearly:

  • “I/we will be able to come for lunch, but I/we will need to head home afterward to rest.”
  • “I/we can visit for a couple of hours, but I/we have other commitments later in the day.”

By setting limits on your time, you protect yourself from burnout and maintain a sense of balance during the busy season.

5. Practice Self-Care

In addition to setting boundaries, make sure to prioritize self-care during the holidays. This can mean taking breaks from family gatherings, engaging in activities that help you relax, or simply giving yourself permission to say no. Self-care is not selfish; it is necessary for your mental health.

Consider scheduling alone time between gatherings to recharge, or plan an activity you enjoy. For example, reading a book, going for a walk, meditating, etc.

Holiday Traditions

Holiday traditions are a significant part of family gatherings, but they can also be a source of pressure. You may feel obligated to participate in certain rituals, even if they no longer feel meaningful or enjoyable to you.

If a tradition does not align with your values or preferences, it is okay to step back. Here are ways that you can approach this:

  • Respect others’ boundaries: Just as you are setting boundaries for yourself, be mindful that your family members may also have boundaries. They may have preferences or needs that differ from yours during the holiday season.
  • Communicate your feelings: For example, “I know this tradition is important, but it does not work for me this year. I would prefer to celebrate in a different way;”
  • Suggest alternatives: If you want to change how you celebrate, consider offering alternatives that honour the spirit of the holiday. For example, if you prefer a quieter celebration, suggest a smaller gathering or a more low-key activity; and,

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